pretty blog, pretty blog...

Pretty blog, pretty blog... (Sung to the tune of that little blind kid in Dumb and Dumber stroking the dead bird and saying "pretty bird, pretty bird"...)

Anyway, what do you think now? I got a few emails from people saying they couldn't read some of the text so I put it back to the original parameters... I wanted it to not be so jumbled so I made the screen wider, but on some browsers it doesn't work right... Please let me know if anything looks funky to you!

Big thank you to Riggs for making the graphic... I love it so much I just leave the blog window open all the time. I have to say it's one of the finest blog graphics I've seen. I saw it and I was like HOLY CRAP YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!

I mean, you know how when you ask someone to do something creative for you 99% of the time it's not what you were looking for or you just don't dig it... I just love this. Riggs is probably like "it's just a graphic" but since I have NO experience at making graphics whatsoever and getting one has been a challenge, I'm excited. There's something cool and official about having your own graphic... and having it be super fun, funny, pretty, and perfect just makes it rule. I bet if Paris Hilton saw my graphic she would say "that's hot."

You think I'm pumped now, wait until I am morphed into cartoon form!!!

Anyway, as for the rest of the blog... I did some SERIOUS trial and error to get it to look like this... This template WAS the pink one like the Dirt blog... I had to change a ton of stuff - but now I know some CSS... I still have some things I want to try too, but it's getting late.

I am not sure how I feel about all the pictures in the sidebar... what I want to do is frame them all with pretty colors and designs and make them all black and white, but I'm not sure how to do that... I'm learning!!

We watched Toy Story tonight. I love Woody & Buzz... I can't wait for Toy Story 3... it will DEFINITELY be the first movie I take Kyla to!!


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I think I spend so much time blogging and working on this site out of pure boredom and escapism... Is escapism a word?

It is now.

I feel a rant coming on... Well, not so much a rant... but just some "dealing delicately" with some issues. I try not to be purposely vague when posting because I think you can read anything into anything and it just causes problems... So I'll try to be as to the point as possible without being blatent. Does that make sense?

I have been VERY stressed. Like, getting chest pains again, feeling sick to my stomach, very jumpy, lump in my throat... I've managed to talk myself out of several panic attacks the last few days, including one earlier where I walked into a mostly dark room and really thought I couldn't see out of my right eye!! My head started SPINNING... then I turned the light on and it was OK.

I am sick of talking about my "problems"... With my friends, I am the one who always has an "OMG YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS SHIT..." and "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW..." I'm always the one needing the shoulder to cry on and I just really don't want to be that person anymore. The relationship I was in caused a lot of it for a long time... so I finally did what I should have done a long time ago and left... but I'd put so much of myself into it that I walked away with a lot less than I started with and now I have to fight my way back.

Everyone keeps telling me not to dwell on the mistakes of the past... because I left in order to put it behind me and start fresh... but I also have this feeling there are some people who look at me and think "you idiot, you did this to yourself, you deserve everything you get, nobody wants to help you because it's your fault..." I really get that feeling a LOT and I try to fend it off but sometimes it's so apparent you can't ignore it anymore. It becomes crippling... as if you don't beat yourself up enough, you need to know there's someone sitting there laughing at you.

Some people are so supportive, compassionate, understanding, some people have even said the ADMIRE me and GIVE ME CREDIT for doing what I did... it is definitely not easy to do what I did - walk away with no money in your pocket... but it was something that - without getting into detail - had to be done.

It has been a while since I let some stuff out... so why not do it... I have to say that going through all of this, sadly, has made me see why a lot of people in my situation, or worse situations, don't leave.

It's humiliating enough to be in a bad relationship with someone, but it's even harder to leave with nothing and feel stripped of your adulthood... No matter what you've accomplished, no matter how hard-working you were, no matter how many things you did well or did right, none of it matters when you are in "survival" mode.

Oh, and by "survival" mode - I don't mean near death... but rather casting things like material possessions, your own place to live, and really - your dignity - aside and asking for help... Once you do that, once you do that thing that everyone says you should do and nobody can understand why you haven't done it... once you do it, you realize why you didn't want to. Because not only do you walk away knowing the other person goes on as if nothing ever happened, but you have to pick up the pieces of your own life, AND know that everyone around you either pities you or just thinks you're an idiot. I guess for a lot of people it's better to suffer and feel crappy in private with one person coming down on you than it is to face the humiliation of letting everyone else know you failed.

Then I just wonder... why me? Or - why not me? Why do my friends and relatives my age have someone and I don't... For a time I thought maybe I was just a psycho b*tch who no guy would tolerate... but I can assure you my friends have thrown some serious fits and their men still love them. Why did I get what I got? I won't say any more than that. Just know that words are easily written...

Do I just have a complex or are my feelings based in at least some sort of truth?

There's also a lot of stuff that is just plain wrong with certain situations. How did I go into something(s) with such an open heart and so much hope and joy and energy and life... and end up with nothing but unanswered questions and the knowledge that it was all a big lie?

I am not just talking about one situation either... there are many things about the last several years that I question.

I was browsing through my old online life... yes, a lot of things still live out there in cyberspace... kind of like a photo album in the basement you can take out and look at once in a while... and I just drive myself crazy wondering how it all went down this way... I feel like there's something about me that I don't see - something that some people like a lot (otherwise why would I have so many hits lol) and then there's something about me that people hate with such passion they can't stand me and want to make it known... I don't get it.

It's weird too... the people who end up being your friends, and the people who fall off the face of the earth or who limit contact...

Anyway, off the topic a little but not really... I was driving to work today - in tears (although I did have a pretty good show regardless of my fragile emotional state) - and I was planning a bachelorette party in my head LOL... There was something on the radio about a bachelorette party so I just started thinking about things to do for a bachelorette party! I know I'll be the LAST of my friends to get married... and even though there's nothing in the works right now I have made mental notes of some pretty f'd up things I'm going to make my girls do so WATCH OUT... and I was also thinking about how nice it will be when the time comes to finally be the one doing something for my friends instead of them always doing stuff for me.

Anyway, Kyla is awake. It is late, I should be in bed but I'm an insomniac. I'm going to pick her up so we can snuggle.

;)

D