a.d.d.

OK - this is a really odd thing for me to be wondering about, especially since I have ALWAYS said I think "A.D.D. and A.D.H.D. is a CROCK, an excuse for not paying attention, and excuse for being lazy, an excuse for not doing things you don't want to do, etc." but after watching something this morning and then jumping online to read more - I'm like OMG, he has it... and maybe I do too. This could explain a lot.

Jane had some people on today who have Adult ADD & ADHD - men and women. I never thought I had ADD or anything, I thought I was just a lazy disorganized procrastinator... but after hearing these people talk I realized maybe there's a reason for it and I'm not just lazy and miserable. And I also listened to the highly creative - but incredibly disorganized - men talk about how difficult it is to maintain relationships while living with this issue...

I also thought since I'm not hyperactive AT ALL, and since I did well in school, that I didn't have a problem... but that's not always the case with ADD - especially in women.

So here's a paragraph from the ADD/ADHD website that sums up my life.

"You may have ADHD if you: Have trouble completing projects and jump from one activity to another. Parents and teachers told you that you should have tried harder in school. And are frequently forgetful; have trouble remembering to do the things you intended. Frequently rushing, over-committed, often late. Make impulsive purchases, impulsive decisions. Feel overwhelmed and disorganized in your daily life. Have a disorderly purse, car, closet, household, etc. Are easily distracted from the task you are doing. Go off on tangents in conversations; may tend to interrupt. Have trouble balancing your checkbook; difficulty with paperwork."

The only thing that does NOT apply to me is the thing about doing better in school. I graduated with honors... but I never was able to finish college. I just couldn't keep up with that amount of work, and I couldn't complete tasks on my own. In high school I was motivated by smart friends and my parents, but once I got to college and there was no more real competition and I was more motivated to party than study... well, it all just went downhill... Plus, I wanted to be on the radio anyway.

I acheived that goal - worked very hard for it... and then threw it all away... so why? Could it be related to the issues in that paragraph above and I'm not just a self-destructive idiot? The website also says that women with ADD/ADHD can manage it pretty well and live with it until they have a child... and then the responsibility of having to manage so many tasks just becomes overwhelming. Maybe that's what led to me quitting. I just couldn't handle all of it, so I just dropped something... made an impulsive decision... and of course now I regret it.

I know some people read that and think "yeah I feel that way sometimes too"... but it's a constant with me. I never finished setting up the apartment in Tampa, I barely worked on setting up the apartment in Columbia... I forget things all the time... I am ALWAYS late for things and it used to get me in trouble at work... I procrastinate paying bills even when I had the money to pay them...

I am aware of these problems. I have been aware of them for quite some time. I have wanted to change. I want to be organized. I think about how much easier my life would be if I was organized. Right now I have to pay off parking tickets from 6 years ago in order to register a car... I have to pay off bills from YEARS and YEARS ago to get my credit back in order... I made PLENTY of money while I worked in Tampa, and blew it ALL on crap... and I thought once I had a child to worry about I'd be better at it - and here I am broke. Instead of getting better it's gotten worse.

Everything is "disorderly"... My car was a complete disaster. My purse is a mess, I can never find my license or my cash when I need it, and half the time I put those things somewhere else - not back in my purse - and then end up looking like an idiot when I need money or a credit card, fumbling at the check out counter to find it. I've even left my credit card in the pocket of my jacket and had to run to the car to get it while at WalMart once. And it's not just a once in a while thing that happens to everyone - it's constant.

I seem to be the only person I know who constantly ends up in these complete debacles. Sometimes I escape getting in trouble for it - like my car not being registered in FLORIDA EVER - and I drove around with MA plates that expired in 2003 for over a year and never got caught... but it all eventually does catch up to me. I have no idea why I do this. I was not poor. I could have paid these things and taken care of them. I just never did. Little things like this happen to everyone sometimes, but they seem to happen to me ALL THE TIME - and I always know when they happen that I brought them upon myself by failing to take care of things when I should have.

I guess I could keep blaming myself, keep feeling guilty and like I'm just a big failure at life and at being a normal functioning person, but maybe there's a reason. Maybe I'm depressed and focus so much on negative things because I have this A.D.D. thing and I'm not really a bad lazy person. Maybe there's a REASON for it, not just an "excuse".

Either way... excuse or reason... getting help is the best thing to do. I know when I was severely depressed after my mom died I didn't understand depression. I thought I was just miserable and that it was my fault. I thought I was just a weak person... but then I went to therapy and took medication, and I've since realized that depression - and any other kind of mental illness - is very real, and there IS HELP.

So anyway, I'm going to do some more reading about this. I also wonder if that's why I am so bad at things like sending thank you cards, birthday cards, wedding gifts, paying bills on time, etc. I have been feeling really crappy about all of these things I just forget to do, or procrastinate on, and I just thought I was a selfish person... but maybe there's some other explanation for it.

On the show they also talked about how a lot of times people with ADD/ADHD are highly creative and successful with creative things, following a different path from the norm, and how if they're not doing what they love to do and are good at - they get depressed... seems to be the vicious cycle I've been living with.

I impulse purchase all the time. Hello, I have 100 Cabbage Patch Kids and no health insurance... how does that make sense?

I go off on tangents (if you read this journal often you know this lol)... and sometimes I go back later and re-read what I wrote and think "omg that's horrible"... I just get so worked up sometimes I can't control it. I'm trying... but for example yesterday when I saw this girl copying my website I got so aggravated... instead of brushing it off, I just blew up about it - and that only makes me look mean. I'm not trying to be mean, I guess it just gets to me...

And I know he has it... As if it's not obvious. Maybe it isn't overdiagnosed... maybe it's real. Maybe I have it. Or maybe it is just an excuse - but I'll use the excuse "I have A.D.D." and then do something about it.

My dad and I are going out for dinner tonight so I'm going to talk to him about it. Since I don't have insurance it might be tough for me to see a doctor. I also have thought about taking anti-depressents or some kind of medication but didn't want to because I still nurse... but I think Kyla will be better off with an organized, happy mother than more boob milk in the long run.

OK - that's all for now.

D