overdoing it.

Overdoing what?

THINKING. Overanalyzing.

My friend and I had this long IM conversation last night about people and their issues. We talked about our own... and she was like "OMG ARE YOU WATCHING MY LIFE AND COPYING IT?" because we have some very similar anger management/lashing out issues. Maybe it's because we're both girl DJ's - I don't know.

So we're discussing various people in our lives and their issues... and finally I just started to get a headache, like massive confusion, thinking about it because EVERYONE has issues, and most people basically have the same issues, but the way we MASK them is different.

Like, I'm clutterry. Not as clutterry as some people... but definitely more of a "I'll clean it up later" than a "gotta clean as I go" person. So being "cluttery" is a sign of emotional clutter, confusion, clutter in your life.

But - being super neat can also be a sign of emotional "clutter". It's more of a control thing though... rather than being clutterry inside and out, people can control the clutter on the outside to mask the internal clutter.

Same with insecurity. I don't know very many people who are not insecure. Some people mask it with ego, higher than thou, very materialistic ways... others mask it by bullying... others with fakeness... and then there are just some very nice people who are overly nice and try to please people so they'll be liked. Uh, I think I've done a little of ALL of those - maybe that means I'm more f'd up than most people.

Ohhhh... and anger. Anger is a big one. My friend and I both FLIP OUT and take the most random stuff out on significant people in our lives. I don't know how many times I would like - forget where my shoes were - and SCREAM "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO WITH MY BLEEPING SHOES?!?!" She says she does the same thing with her man or her mother. Like even if they have NOTHING to do with it - it's someone there to yell at.

I am really trying not to be so angry. Something made me mad yesterday and my first inclination was to do something nasty back... but then I just decided it wasn't worth it... I let it go. YEAH FOR ME!!!

One of the other things I have been mulling over in my little brain is the whole "perfect" thing. Like, I always have this "someday my life will be perfect" image... and I think that's why I spend so much time being upset, angry, unhappy. Now, I did/do have some stressers in my life that definitely were not healthy or good for me, but I also had/have a lot of good and have to be REALISTIC about life and try to find happiness, contentedness, in the amazing things/people I do have.

One of the other things I do is move from one thing I want to the next... I get something I want... and then I want something else... I have done this with material things and just with life in general. "If only I had a new car life would be better..." Get the new car, and then it needs the stereo system, or I need to go somewhere exciting in the new car, or I need cool new sunglasses to wear while driving the new car... It's ridiculous. I have accumulated a number of material things - nice clothes, had nice cars in the past, etc. and I still wasn't happy.

I have great friends and a great family... but I somehow always felt alone and still do sometimes. I don't really know why. I think part of it has to do with pride and not wanting to ask for help, especially since I feel like I'm always the one who needs favors, or help, or a shoulder to cry on, or someone to vent to... I don't really feel like I do all that much for anyone else, yet I'm always taking taking taking.

Anyway, I've talked myself in circles LOL... NOW FOR SOME NORMAL STUFF.

Saturday night I am GOING OUT. Like really going out. Kyla goes to sleep, mommy goes out with the girls!! We're going out in Boston. I'm going shopping tomorrow to get a new outfit because I have NOTHING here to wear. And I don't mean that as in the old Dana "I have nothing to wear because I've already worn everything in my closet once" - I mean that I haven't really gone out since Kyla was born, and the times I did I was in FL where it was warm... here it's cold. I need something nice - and warm - to wear. It will be weird for me to be out in that scene again. It's just been so long. I am NOT the party animal I used to be... but it will be a good time.

Thank you for the movie suggestions!! I am going to try to watch some this weekend.

I'm so tired. Been staying up late.

Check out the dirt page, it's all updated :)

D