~A Baby Poop Story~

OK, based on the title and the photograph, I don't think I need to issue a WARNING about this post, but I will anyway just to make sure. I don't think I've ever posted a sh*t story - and believe me there have been plenty of them - but this one is too good not to share... and since I'm doing it, I might as well go all out and be graphic... so consider yourself warned.

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Kyla and I went to Old Navy after her doctor's appointment this morning. I'm browsing around the baby clothes and all of a sudden I hear this "ppppffffffttttttt"... I look down at her sitting in the stroller...

She's leaned forward, and to my HORROR I see BOILING MUSTARD SPEWING OUT OF HER DIAPER AND UP HER BACK!!!!!!! It was BUBBLING... and it was gross... and it was EVERYWHERE. My immediate thought is to BOOK IT out of the store... but then what???

I can't just put her in the car seat and take off... that would make for a STINKY ride home, not to mention the poogoo is already all over her, and will end up all over me, all over the car seat, and it's already seeping into the stroller seat...

So I run to the bathroom - and frantically start grabbing toilet paper to wipe off her back and the stroller... I at least had to contain what I could at that point while I collected my thoughts and considered the best plan of action.

I knew I didn't have a spare outfit... and I knew that taking the outfit that had poop all over it off, changing the diaper, and then putting the crappy outfit back on again was completely gross and out of the question... trying to prevent all that messy mustard from getting all over everything else would have been impossible.

Well, we're IN the clothing store... so as long as I clean up the mess enough to prevent further leakage, we're good. I had to be quick though, because I didn't want anyone to smell the diaper or end up having her lean forward to allow for more to spew out.

On top of that, there would be nothing more mortifying than to have another person browsing through the store and bear witness to my child's ass lava all over the back of the stroller... and even worse than that - the fact that I seemed to be casually perusing the clothing selection instead of cleaning it up.

I was PACING through the baby girl section... I didn't know what to get her... it was cold outside, but I didn't want to get her some warm thing since she's got plenty of warm clothes and needs things for spring... I went through a TON of stuff, pacing, pacing, pushing her back in her seat every time she leaned forward, but luckily only occassionally getting a wiff...

I couldn't decide. I was starting to turn red and my head was starting to throb. I wouldn't be surprised if at some point I started talking to myself, but I don't remember.

I'd grab a little shirt... and then couldn't find pants... or a pair of little pants, but no shirt... I really wasn't trying to make a huge deal out of picking an outfit, but the pressure was killing me!! I wasn't just going to grab anything to change her into, it had to be something I liked and she's get wear out of.. and I also didn't have much money so I had to worry about that too!

Finally I picked up some pink capri pants and a little tee-shirt. It was chilly out but the car was parked close enough and I could just blast the heat for her on the ride home. I just had to pick something, pay, scoot BACK to the bathroom, and then get the hell out of there.

Long check out line, of course, as is always the case at Old Navy... and the whole time I'm just PRAYING that the people around me don't see the poop and don't smell it either.

SHIT HAPPENS, but when it happens to you and your baby in public you feel like the whole world knows there's some nastiness going on and WHY ARE YOU SHOPPING INSTEAD OF CLEANING IT UP... if only they knew I had a plan.

I paid for my stuff then took off for the ladies room. And you know people must be thinking, why isn't she walking out the door why is she going back into the store... but you just have to say "who cares what they think who cares what they think" over and over again.

THEN... as if the whole shit everywhere debacle isn't enough, Kyla screeched the ENTIRE time I was trying to change her!! I had to do that thing where you very carefully try to remove the clothes and get as little shit as possible on yourself or on the baby... especially not on the face or hands because once it's on the hands its in the mouth, etc... I didn't have nearly enough wipes, so I had to wet paper towels like a madwoman, and put a bunch down on the changing table too.

She was squirming and screaming so bad I didn't know what to do. To make matters worse, we'd just come from the doctor's office where she had the trauma of being laid down on a cold table and poked and prodded, so to be doing it to her again in the Old Navy conctrete bathroom wasn't going to fly...

I managed to get the clothes off, then the diaper off, then she almost got her HEAD IN THE DIAPER but I wacked it out of the way (the diaper, not her head) and it ended up on the FLOOR... but I had to just focus on controlling her and getting her cleaned up and not worry about the stuff on the floor.

Two things were going through my mind...

1. Do not let her squirm out of my arms - she was CRAZY PISSED OFF.
2. Do not let ANYONE come into this bathroom right now and see the INSANITY that is going on.

Seriously, there's wet paper towels everywhere, a shit stained stroller, a yellowed mustardy poopy diaper on the floor, poop stained clothes resting on top of the trash barrel, and a FLAILING ANGRY NAKED CHILD in my arms. Fun times.

I managed to get the diaper under her bum, but she wouldn't stay still enough for me to get it on her, so I had to put the diaper up against my hip, then hold her on top of it and attach the sides while HOLDLING HER... then I put the new shirt on while holding her, and somehow got her pants on while holding her too...

Then I had to clean up the stroller, fold the poopy clothes so that the poop part was tucked into the other part of the clothes, pick up the dirty diaper, wipe down the changing table...

I wanted to ask for a plastic bag for the dirty clothes, but said SCREW IT. I just wanted to get the hell out of that store... especially since I'm sure people waiting outside the bathroom/dressing room (they are right next to each other) heard the commotion...

I put the dirty baby clothes in the wet stroller, grabbed my bag, baby in the other hand, and just DARTED OUT of that store.

It was the WORST poop incident on record with this child LOL.

I feel like

right now for sharing... only she would have called it doodie.

Anyway, now that I've sufficiently grossed you out, on to other things... but I'll put them in a different post just so the people who opted out of this one won't miss anything.

:)

D