PICTURES, etc.

I wish I could post pictures!! Here's the deal - in laymans terms for those of you un-web-savvy fools... The blogger doesn't "host" pictures. Basically each picture is a file and needs to be stored "somewhere" out there in cyberspace... Each picture on the web has a URL assigned to it where it lives, like on the server where it's uploaded and saved...

When I had my "other" website the blogger was linked to the website so that when I posted something to my blog it actually went through the host server and NOT through the blogger's server. But now that we can't figure out how to set it up like that again, I can not upload any pictures.

I am able to post pictures I find elsewhere on the web because I just grab the URL from the picture and it tells the blogger to go find it somewhere else... so it's not actually stored IN my blog, it's not taking up the bloggers space... but it lives out there on someone else's server. That's why on my previous posts on my other dirt blog there are red x's. Because the pictures were hosted by my old site which no longer exists.

OK so now that that's out of the way... I wish I could post pictures of Kyla. I was scrolling through the other blog - which is now my dirt blog and this will be the personal - and all of her picture are gone. They are still stored on the laptop, but I don't have them here. I mean, obviously I have Kyla with me so I can look at her any time I want, but she is sleeping and I just wanted to look at the pictures I took of her like the day before we left... she is so super cute.

Today my dad and stepmom watched her for a while so I could have some "me" time... they took some video of her just playing around. It's so fun to see how much she is learning every day. My friend got her that cool new toy with the keyboard and she loves to press the buttons and see it light up. She is just curious about EVERYTHING!!

I feel like every day she is a little bit different. Like when I was giving her a bath earlier, she just felt a lot more steady in the tub. I am such a wreck about the bath and her slipping, but she was facing me and splashing away tonight. Her skin is really dry so I can't keep her in the tub very long, but she was having a ball. And she's so picture perfect when she smiles and shows off her 2 bottom teeth. Bath pictures... that's one thing I have not taken a lot of. We have a few from when she was really tiny, but I just haven't thought to take any recently. I will have to make her a bubble bath and take some... what's a baby album without bath pictures?

I have been thinking alot about her 1st birthday. It is less than 2 months away!! If we are still here in Boston hopefully we'll have a nice party with relatives and friends... Party hats, balloons, CHOCOLATE CAKE. OH geez I need to learn how to bake a cake. I mean, I used to help my mom bake cakes all the time but it's been years. I really want to make birthdays special for her. In my family birthdays were a HUGE deal. It was like your own personal Christmas!!

Hopefully TK will be around for her birthday. He wants to be here - or wheverever we are - to celebrate with her.

I should really go to bed. I have been staying up lately and it's catching up with me again. I need to take my contacts out and I am dreading it because they don't come out easily... and they are a PAIN to get back in!

As for unfinished business LOL... Part of working through my issues involves getting some sort of closure to an unresolved issue that's been eating at me for quite some time. Some of you may be able to figure out what it is... some of you may think it's something that it's really not... but it is not going to be easy.

It's complicated. I was wronged. There is no doubt I was wronged. But how I dealt with the fallout of all of it wasn't right. So now I have to try to put some stuff back together again and stop being angry.

I guess maybe while it's not death or a person I "lost"... it was something very important to me that is now gone. I'm getting past the anger... and now I'm just upset. Realizing what I did wrong. I guess I feel guilty for doing this to myself. I am looking at what led me to behave the way I behaved... was it ALL my fault or did other things contribute... and can I work with those issues or do I just completely have to let go of ALL of it in order to move forward?

I think a lot of it depends on the reactions I receive when I finally do "reach out" and look for closure. There were just so many things that went wrong and I am willing to admit my part - but is anyone else willing to admit that I was wronged as well?

Hmmmmm... more pondering before proceeding cautiously.