The new stuff!

I am trying to re-organize all my sites and this one still, for some reason, gets hits!! Plus, it's my journal for a very crazy and different time of my life, so I want to keep it...

I still keep a journal on MySpace. It's private but I let everyone in. This way I just know who is reading it. At least I think I do.

Click here for my MySpace.
Click here for my show MySpace.

:)

Free & Diaperless!

Allright, here's where I start asking questions.

How on EARTH do I get my daughter to LEAVE HER DIAPER ON?

She's now learned how to undress herself and remove her diaper. I tried putting a onesie on her under her jammies so that she has to take the pants off and THEN unsnap the onesie and THEN undo the diaper... but smarty pants can still do it. I've tried putting her in long jammies that zip up, with onesie underneath... she's still strippin!

I'm working on potty training her so some days I just let her run around the casa without a diaper on... but this is getting ridiculous. I go to get her up this morning and she's standing there bareass in the crib, and of course there's a wet spot where she peed.

She's CONSTANTLY taking off her diaper and I don't know what to do. It's great she's so interested in being potty trained, but this is getting ridiculous!!!!!!

Any tips?

Anyone else's kids do this?

It's 3am I must be...

Lonely?

Nah, that's what you thought I was getting at though, right? Thanks to Rob Thomas.

I miss my Mad Season CD. I haven't bought a CD in a LONG time but I really think I need to go pick that up... I listened to Rob's new CD a bunch of times since I just got it from work, and it made me want to hear some of the Mad Season songs... don't really know why.

I just started re-reading this post and I had to come make a little disclaimer so the Rob fan I know and love doesn't remind me that 3am was not on the Mad Season CD... I know it wasn't. I just used that title and then thought of Mad Season bc it's my favorite MB20 CD...

Maybe it's because it's winter and that's my mad season... everything is just really nutty right now.

I have to figure something out real soon and that's probably why I am up at 3am.

I've also made my New Year's Resolutions I swore I wouldn't make... they just kind of came to me over the last few days. Not really as a result of the new year... it wasn't like I sat down and thought "I need to resolve to do something different this year..." I just kind of started making some changes and getting on the ball with some stuff and realized I've made some resolutions without even thinking about it.

The first one seems simple but for me it's a challenge... and that is to keep my frigging apartment clean. I am SO much happier, focused, confident, and on top of things when my place is clean. I wish I had money to get curtains and decorate, but I don't, so instead of just letting the place look like crap all the time I've decided that no matter how tired I am or no matter how much I think "nobody else sees the place but me and Kyla" I'm going to clean up every night before I go to bed. I've done that the last several days and it's working...

I am also in the process of figuring out a budget for myself... I have NO idea how to manage my money... and after talking to a friend about how much I take home and how much my bills are, I realized I should be able to afford more things than I thought...


*****

So next thing that's on my mind. I've thought about someone a lot recently... and tonight as I was looking at a "fascinating" - well to me anyway - website I haven't seen for a while I saw a picture, several pictures, of this person and I just got this sad feeling.

I won't get into who this person is... it is not anyone I ever had a romantic relationship with by any means... but it is someone who is very special to me who influenced my life a lot, without whom I NEVER would have been in radio, and for reasons that I do not understand this person doesn't talk to me anymore.

The last time we emailed was probably 2 and a half years ago... and he basically just told me in so many words he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I was - and still am - really confused. I kind of get it, but at the same time - I don't. And it hurts me a lot to feel like I can't just call or email once in a while to say whats up... This person always had words of wisdom and made me laugh... so hard I used to seriously pee my pants... and now I look at a picture and wonder if it would be OK if I reached out.

Do I do it - or respect his wishes? Does he just ignore my existance or does he keep tabs on me and check up, ask about me, read my bs websites and stuff, to see how I am doing? I don't know why it is important to me - but it is.

********

So another dilemma I have right now is how to determine when it is OK to open up to someone... be it a friend, a family member, whoever... There are a lot of people with whom we maintain "surface" relationships, then there are those few - and actually for me I can happily say I think I have many - people you can really pour your heart out to, show your weakness, tell your secrets to, and have them care and love you and want to help you anyway... I'm kind of stuck with something right now and maybe that's why I'm up at 3am.

Actually, now it's 3:30 and I'm still not tired.

My eyes hurt. Why is it that these days my eyes hurt when I'm NOT wearing my contacts? It's really odd to me.

So the show went really well tonight. I felt a little bit out of my element since I am used to being silly and just blurting out whatever... tonight we had a really interesting talk about sex... but since we were using all the clinical terms and saying dirty words on the radio, I had to keep a straight face and not giggle at anything. Luckily, I didn't have to push that yellow button. My boss was happy with it... It was my first time really handling a "serious" subject matter on the talk show.

Well, I guess "female orgasm" isn't serious, but in order to get away with talking about it the way we did, we had to keep it very technical and "educational" and walk that line... I'll be honest, I was nervous for the first time in a while on the air tonight. Kind of an unsettling feeling but when my boss IM'd me and told me it sounded great, I felt good.

There's more on my mind but I need to clear it instead of continuing to blab... I'm going to play some mindless solitaire and hopefully go to bed by 4. I have a long challenging day ahead of me... and unfortunately the world doesn't stop turning...

Peace.... peace....

Ex-Tra Cirricular Activities.

LOL NOT REALLY.

So let me throw this one at you... because this is the MILF Diaries and I'm sure some of you MILFs have dealt with similar situations...

Yesterday my ex, as most of you know him "TK", flew in to Hartford to pick up our spectacular 20 month old daughter Kyla.

His flight got delayed so he ended up missing his return flight... the next one wasn't for 5 hours, and if you've ever been to Bradley "International" Airport, you know it's a drag.

It is, as he called it, "a glorified bus station"...

The airport as a whole is a small, stale little place... Terminal A has a few places to eat and a little store... Terminal B, where he was, has a snack cart. That's it. That's all. A snack cart.

It was lunch time and instead of me dropping Kyla off to spend 5 long hours in a desolate airport, we decided I'd pick him up and we'd go to lunch and do some shopping. Why the HELL NOT?

That didn't sit well with his current girlfriend. I felt bad for him because it was just unnecessary hassle and drama... "Why are you not considering my feelings?" and that kind of crap... from a 26 year old woman...

Hi, how about you consider the feelings of our daughter who was off the wall with excitement because she knew for a few brief hours she had her mommy and daddy together? How about giving credit that two people who probably would have killed each other had we remained in a relationship can now get along, be friends, and spend time together for the benefit of our child?


Been there, done that, ended it, it's over... not going back. I should be the LEAST of this girl's worries. I've really let go of it, what continues to bother me is that she needs to really accept the fact that he and I will always talk, have a bond, and be in contact with each other because of our child, and no amount of wishing we hated each other is going to change it.

I am so thankful to have such a great guy in my life... he gave me a little crap for it in jest, and he just GETS IT. We're adults, we have a child together, at certain times we will spend time together for her sake, and that's just the end of it.

I put it out there on the air last night... "Should my ex be in the doghouse because he spent the afternoon with me when his flight was delayed?" The consensus was "NO!" I thought maybe I'm being insensitive by going to lunch and dragging him to Kohl's with me so he didn't have to sit in an airport all day chasing Kyla around... but then I realized - it's her problem, not mine.

I'm happy with my life now. I like that things are civil and friendly between me and TK, and I appreciate that the new person in my life can understand that it's best for everyone involved if we get along and do what is best for our daughter.

Most people get that. Right?

:)

D

Oh the weather outside is f...

fucking cold.

Pardon my french in these last two posts... Did you ever notice how we blame the French when we swear?

Anyway, it's cold. Like so cold that I got into my car, of course didn't wait for it to heat up, started driving, got a phone call to do a gossip update, started rambling on about Jessica Simpson hooking up with Adam Levine from Maroon 5, and MY FACE STARTED TO FREEZE.

Yes, my lip and nose started to freeze. I couldn't get my words out right because my face was so freaking cold. I HATE COLD.

I HATE COLD I HATE COLD I HATE COLD.

Then of course I start to fall back into my on-again-off-again-by-the-hour depressed mood when I thought about how this cold is going to last for another 3 to 4 months. Great.

I shopped online today. There's something sickeningly gratifying about online shopping. Like, I spent money I shouldn't have spent, but for some reason it's just easier to do it when you're online. You're not paying cash, writing a check, or swiping a card... you're just picking what you want and typing it in and clicking OK. Then it shows up in the mail 3-5 days later. It's fun!

More shopping nonsense... Am I the only one who goes to the mall to shop for others and finds myself wanting EVERYTHING I SEE FOR ME!!!! On the rare occasion I go shopping in NEED of something for myself, with the mission to PURCHASE SOMETHING FOR MYSELF, I don't find anything. When I go at Christmas I want every sweater, pair of pants, tee-shirt, body lotion, set of pajamas at Victoria's Secret, etc. I am one selfish beeeotch. I didn't buy anything for myself though.

I don't know what to get for anyone this year, not even my own daughter. I have no idea what toys she will want. There's so freaking many, and she's not old enough to drill into my head for 3 months "mommy I want this" so I'm left to fend for myself - and everyone else who is buying for her and asking what to get for her... and I feel incompetent. Like I don't know my child well enough to know what she'd like to play with.

We were in Wal-Mart Sunday night and I took her to the toy section and tried to take note of what she ran for... some piece of junk cheap thing I'd never buy for her LOL... so that killed that. I have no idea.

She's going to spend a week with her daddy, so that's when I'm hitting Toys R Us. Even though she's too young to get the whole Santa Crock, I've got to get into the habit of shopping without her now.

Tonight's the company Christmas party. To be honest, since I work nights I didn't even realize it until I went to the ladies room and saw a co-worker getting all dolled up... then it hit me, I'm missing a party because I work nights. Kinda sucks.

Anyway, that's all for this blog for the day. I sat inside, shopped online, played with Kyla, watched Animal Planet, cooked chicken nuggets, tater tots, and carrots, and didn't shower all day. That was my day. That's why it isn't too interesting, but that's the life of a Pseudo-Stay-At-Home-Mommy (who hates the cold) in the middle of winter.

Oh wait, it's not the middle - it's just beginning.

Zoloft anyone?

f*ck santa

Getting a kid's picture taken with Santa Claus has to be one of the least fun activities ever.

It isn't that I don't love the excitement she'll feel next year or the year after that when she knows she's going to sit on the lap of the dirty fat old man who is going to bring her presents I can't afford because he's been looking down on her from somewhere up in the North Pole and she's been a good girl. No, it isn't that at all.

It's the MOTHER F*CKING line I have to wait in at the mall in order to get her picture taken to have memories of the joyous events.

Then in about 8 or 9 years she'll know the dudes a phony and I subjected my kid to the lap of a dirty old fat man for nothing.

Anyway, where I'm going with this is - the mall in my area - and probably the one in yours - needs to come up with a far more efficient way to run the Picture with Jolly Old Saint Fat Man line.

My friend Jen and I took our daughters on Thursday afternoon. We're thinking we're smart mommies taking the kids during the day on a weekday while the line isn't too long.

The line wasn't even that long. The problem was, even at about 20 people deep, the line didn't frigging move.

So Kyla takes off running and I decide to just follow her to the other size of the oversized snow globe and find out what the freak is going on with the line.

I approach the little roped off Santa area... and realized... what what to my wondering eyes should appear...

But a frigging 4 year old boy standing in front of Santa with a nig big fat piece of construction paper READING HIS LIST TO SANTA WHILE HIS DOTING MOTHER HELPS HIM GET THROUGH THE LIST.

I kid you not. This was no "sit on Santa's lap and tell him what you want in 30 seconds or less while we snap your picture and make our $29.99".

I didn't even know what to say. I was furious. Well, not furious, more like annoyed and disturbed.

I guess maybe because I've been to so many "move it along" meet & greets with celebrities I am used to a fast-moving line and you get your 30 seconds to shake hands, get a quick autograph, say hi, and walk away.

This is how they need to run the Santa Claus thing.

Needless to say, we didn't get our pictures done with Santa. I was turning red just thinking about this kid reading his letter, and he was probably only on item two trying to put his "Hooked on Phonix" skills in action...

Kyla isn't old enough to even know what was going on, she was just pissed that I made her get in her stroller so I could wheel her into Baby Gap and look at all the clothes I can't afford for her this year.

But my friend's daughter was upset, she's 3.

So I went on the air - of course - and bitched about it, twice. Once at 7 when I first went on the air... without mentioning the name of the mall because I've learned over the course of my "career" not to name names.... and then again at 10 when we started The Girly Spot.

Then I realized. This was one of the things I used to vent about in my own little way here on the public MILF Diaries... I want to start doing this one again and not make people sign up for it... but not post much private stuff at all. That way there's really no room for nastiness because really, I hate the mean comments I get.

I just like to write and I like people to relate to or enjoy what I write. Sometimes I spell things wrong, make typos, or grammatically incorrect sentences. But for the most part I think I am a pretty good writer and I'm going to start doing more of it.

I got bitten by a bird today. More on that later.

MySpace Blog Stuff...

I'm now letting some more people into the MySpace blog.

If you've been asking me to get in for a while and haven't heard back... I stopped letting people in basically because it's a pain in the arse process and I felt I had enough readers.

If you would like access to this blog... here's the deal.

1. YOU MUST - I REPEAT YOU MUST - send me a MySpace message AND INCLUDE THE EMAIL ADDRESS YOU USED TO SIGN UP FOR MYSPACE. PUT YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS AS THE FIRST THING IN THE MESSAGE TO ME, OTHERWISE I WILL NOT ADD YOU, and I WILL NOT RESPOND. Basically all I do is copy and paste the email address into a search, find you, and then add you... for some reason that's the only way to do it. Failure to follow these instructions means YOU WON'T BE ADMITTED!!!

I hate to be a bitch - but it's a pain as it is to be clicking all over the place to add people, so make it as easy for me as possible.

2. I want PARTICIPATING BLOG MEMBERS. I am now using the blog to kind of "test" subject matter for my show... so I would really like comments/feedback and participation. If you don't participate, you don't need to be reading it. Right now I am gradually cleaning up my list of people, and adding new people who WANT TO PARTICIPATE.

3. Actually, there's no 3. Just follow rules 1 and 2 and you should be all set.

I'll have a good post for you soon....

D