HUNGOVER.

No, I did not go out drinking last night. In fact, the only things I had to drink last night were diet cokes. But, being up all night... getting just a few hours of sleep this morning... I feel completely hungover. I have not had this feeling in quite some time... and I did not even consume alcohol!! It sucks.

I had fun on the radio last night though!! I listened back to myself and I can tell I was a little bit out of my element - just being on a different station, getting used to a different computer system, etc... throws me off at first. But by the middle of it I was totally fine. I did say "actually" and "uh" too much - which is what I do when I'm nervous - but those are easy fixes LOL. I was more worried about pushing the right buttons and learning the computer... gotta get the basics down first. Their computer system is a lot more "hands on" than I am used to now, so I had to get used to actually doing some technical work again.

Anyway, one of my good friends still works there, and he was the one scheduled to run the board overnight... but they told me to come in just to get used to the new system and get back on track with everything before I do a day shift... so my friend - who I haven't seen in a year - didn't even know I was coming. I walk in and he's like "WHAT????"

He showed me how to do everything... and then he went to do some other work for a while so I could focus... and then we were just talking about all the fun we had. It was SO WEIRD how nearly 3 years have passed. It was like a time warp.

We were reminiscing about all the partying and fun times we had... I threw these INSANE parties at my apartment when I lived here. The station had tons of fun parties in Boston and we would just drink and hang out laughing and doing crazy stuff all day and night...

I will say this... there is no "drama" and no bs between people at this station. Everyone is cool, everyone gets along, no egos, no jealousy, none of that. I was thinking about this one party we had where the entire staff went on a yacht for the day... all the DJs, promotions people, a few sales people, management... and everyone just HAD A BLAST. Nobody was there to start trouble, nobody was there to upset people, everyone just wanted to have a good time. I miss that TRUE team spirit.

It's so great for me to be able to go back and visit with old friends and have great memories of my time at this station.

Anyway, I'm exhausted. Kyla is not digging the nap idea right now so I'm going to make a cup of coffee and play with her.

:)

D

New Pics!

Gotta do these quick. My friend Stephanie took them while we were out at lunch the other day... of course Kyla would not look at the camera but these are cute anyway!!




Click on the thumbnails to see them bigger - they were too wide and pushing the side bar to the bottom of the page.

Time for lunch! Some days I feel like all we do is eat!!

D

Mama.

Kyla said Mama at me this morning!

We called TK so he could say Hi to her and when I put him on the phone her little face just LIGHTS UP!! He says "Hi little baby I miss you" and she just squeals and smiles, then goes to eat the phone - of course. So he and I talked for a few minutes and then when I got off the phone she said "mama" to me. It was so weird. I don't know if she did it on purpose, but it was cool!!!

Right now she is reading her little Ladybug book. She LOVES books. I keep most of them out of her reach so she can't spit up on them or rip them, but this one she LOVES so I let her have it. It has little ladybugs that stick out... so cute.

I need to get back on the ball with some things today... and since I'm working late tonight I hope Kyla will want to take a nice long nap with me this afternoon.

How funny is this... I've been introducing her to all different foods... and I started giving her these little gerber chicken sticks. They look like little mini-hot dogs. I cut them up and SHE GOBBLES THEM RIGHT UP. No matter what else is on her tray - peas, carrots, bread, etc... she goes for the chicken, and then she reaches out to me for more if she sees more sitting on the table in front of me. She is a CHICKEN GIRL JUST LIKE ME!!!

OK it's breakfast time!

D

Hmmmmm...

I'm kind of at a loss right now for what to write about. Today hasn't really been a very good day but it's cool. I expected that with all that's been going on there would be good days and bad days. Just found out some really disturbing stuff earlier today that caught me off guard. I handled it - took care of it - and actually got a good laugh out of it once I calmed down.

But since I have made the commitment to myself not to drag all of the personal matters into this blog anymore, I'll leave it at that.

I'm tired, and I'm working late tomorrow night - YES WORKING!!! I'm going to be on the air in Boston tomorrow night... so I need to get some rest. Should be fun!! I have to say it is nice to be able to come back to a huge radio market and have them let me do some shows. My friends here are awesome!!!

Goodnight!

D

NOT FOR THE WEAK STOMACHED

OK so I posted a little blurb about things being bad today earlier... but really, it's not that bad. I was just having a little freak out moment over something but it's handled now and it's not as bad as I thought it was. Phew. I am working on not getting upset so easily and I think I did a good job LOL.

Anyway, while I was dealing with that... And this is where you shouldn't read if you have a weak stomach but I'm going to share anyway bc ANYONE who has kids has had one of these "incidents"...

Kyla hasn't been too into having her diaper changed lately. This is especially difficult when she has poops. She likes to roll over while I am changing the diaper. I've gotten pretty good at controlling her and wiping it up before she gets very far... but this morning... oh no.

She jerked away from me with poop ALL OVER her bum... and then it got on her legs and feet... she crawled off the changing mat and sat on a pillow. Then I was trying to avoid getting poop all over myself while trying to grab her... then she squirmed and almost went off the bed so to catch her I had no choice but to grab the poopy area of her back... I mean, now I understand chemical spills... messes that just can not be contained!!!

So then I'm like OK IN THE TUB... but that does nothing bc you put the kid in the tub and wipe the poop off and then the kid is bathing in poop!! So I got most of it off, then tried to dry her off with a towel and then run another bath... but she wasn't having it. And then I realized there was poop ALL OVER the side of my shirt which is why I couldn't stop getting poop back onto her. I finally just took my shirt off LOL...

I did manage to get a diaper on her, put her in the pack & play, and went to clean up the mess... Then I go back to pick her up and she's got the diaper off... and she's flipping out... didn't want to go in the tub AT ALL... so I just put another diaper on her and covered her with a blanket and walked around until she calmed down.

Now I have to finish cleaning up the mess... and I really don't want to.

There's the "drama" for the day.

How long until I can start potty training her???

Oh, pictures later today... my friend took some while we were out at lunch the other day and I'm going to post them!

D

Valentine's Day.

So I was trying to figure out which kind of picture I need for my Valentine's Day and there it is. Broken but bandaged and healing well. :)

Honestly, as far as the broken heart thing goes... It isn't like it's JUST been broken... but I won't spew too much.

All I can say is at least this year I know to expect nothing. Better than being disappointed.

I was going to just ignore the whole thing altogether because to be honest, I'm really not as bent about it as you'd think I might be. Plus, there's comfort in knowing a LOT of people just broke up before Valentine's Day!! Brad & Jen, a friend of mine just told me he ended his relationship, and then my deal... so it's OK. Plus, I have a lot of single friends too.

Kyla will be my little Valentine and I get to eat all her chocolates too!!

Speaking of band-aids and boo-boos... Kyla's bump is still pretty yuck. She went to the doctor today for other things, and she's fine.

I'm facing one of those mom dilemmas right now. When I took her to the doctor in Columbia at the beginning of January they told me her Iron/Vitamin D levels were low/normal. Basically they were still in the normal range, but lower than what the doctor would like them to be. Since I was still nursing her a LOT at the time and she wasn't eating solid food very much at all, the doctor gave her a vitamin with more of those 2 essential nutrients. Breastmilk is 100% good for the first six months but once the baby gets a little older they need more iron and vitamin D than my big boobies can make... so she got a better vitamin. They wanted to check her in a month to make sure her levels were where they should be...

So I made an appointment for her to see a doctor here. We went today, and of course there were like 3 sick hacking stuffy kids in the waiting room... and I'm thinking, I know my kid is perfectly healthy... and she's sitting here with kids who could have strep, bronchitis, and any other illnes... I'm risking her health to see the doctor!

So the doc checks her all out and says she looks to be 100% healthy. She has NO signs of anemia or any vitamin deficiencies. The vitamin she is taking should provide all the iron her body needs... and over the last month she's been eating WAY MORE solid food - rich in iron - than she was. And the Vitamin D is in the vitamin too... so the doctor said she really saw no need to get labwork done, but she'd send me to the hospital to get it done for my own peace of mind.

I don't even know if insurance is going to cover this... so I have to call tomorrow and figure it out. But the thing is, I just don't really feel this bloodwork is necessary. And with kids (and adults) around here dropping like flies with all these viruses and stuff, I think it's more of a health risk for her to be around all those germs than the chance she is anemic. I know she's not anemic. The doctor confirmed she's most likely not anemic. The fact that she eats meats and cheerios and takes an iron-rich vitamin now just really is enough for me to know she's not anemic. I just don't see putting her through the extra torture, and having this bloodwork done...

So I don't know what to do. I guess I can just go do it... but I will feel HORRIBLE if we get billed for it and TK has to pay for it... or if I take her there and she ends up catching something IN the hospital.

Decisions decisions!!!

My brother came by tonight to hang out. It was cool. We just shot the ish for a while and he played with Kyla.

I'll have more later Ky just woke up...

D

Navigation...

I just drove my dad to work. I am using his car for the day to take Kyla to the doctor and just get out of the house... so he's got navigation.

Program the computer and it tells you which way to go... If you "over-ride" the system it tells you to turn around. So I know where I'm going, I just knew to take a different route back to the house...

Make a U-Turn if Possible.
Please Make a U-Turn.
U-Turn if Possible.
Make a U-Turn if Possible.

Over and over again... this little voice telling me to make a u-turn. And I just kept on driving against its wishes...

But then, I got back on track. The navigation system re-adjusted itself to the path I was on, and started giving me good directions again.

And now I'm home.



D

Fishing.

Today Dr. Phil was talking about fishing on his show... then Kyla played with her fishy toy in the tub... then someone tried to fish for information from me to pass on to someone else. I didn't bite.

Anyway, I was going to change the font and everything else but I got tired of trying colors that didn't work so I'm back to this. I am going to make the font Tahoma because let's face it - Tahoma is the new Times New Roman.

Everyone uses Tahoma these days, at least people I know. I really don't like Arial at all. It's too stick figure like. Tahoma is nice and rounded. Verdana is OK too but it's like a fat Tahoma.

No I have not been smoking crack but this insomnia I've been having lately is making me loopy.

Anyway, Kyla goes to the doctor tomorrow. She needs another flu shot and she has to have her iron levels checked again. The people across the street from my dad have 2 little kids so they recommended a good doctor. All this moving makes it hard to get her to her well baby visits but so far so good! It's just a pain getting her records from all the different places. She's 10 months old and is on pediatrician number three!! I just want to be settled with a good job and a nice house and maybe even a husband LOL by the time she goes to school.

Almost 2... I am going to sleep. I have to get up early to drive my dad to work so I can use his car. It's SWEEEEEET... navigation and everything!

I'm going to listen to U2 Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of and change the lyrics in my head a little. Fun times!!

D

New Look!

But first here's my cute pa-toot! I am going to try to get some new pictures of her this weekend with my dad's digital camera. I am so used to snapping pictures of her constantly I'm having baby pic withdrawals!!

And I'm having CPK withdrawals too... I miss my doll collection. Oh well, in time.

*****

I'm chatting with a friend who lives here. "You need to get out... Allow me to help you shop..." Yes. I do need to get out. Everyone is telling me I need to go out and get drunk LOL but that's not even it - won't happen, still nursing, and even if I wasn't, going out and getting drunk will not solve anything, and will leave me with a horrific hangover. But I do need to get out... go out... have A drink, look nice, feel good about myself again. I really think I am afraid of going out!! I don't know if it's a guilt thing, or a self-conscious thing because I don't look as young as I used to, or what... Maybe it's knowing that part of my life is over... I don't know. The thing I really need is just to see friends, familiar faces, people who have remained close even though our lives are now so different. Hopefully this weekend.

Ok so yeah, I need a new look for me... and a new look for the blog. Just the colors and the fonts. The blog lets you edit the code so I am going to try to mess with it... I hope I don't screw it up. Just sick of mine looking like everyone else's... Dare I try to be different?

Playing the waiting game too which is always fun..........

D

Baby Bump!!!

AHHHHHHH!! Every mommy's worst feeling... well, probably not the worst of course, but a pretty bad one.

Kyla has a bump on her forehead.

We were playing in the kitchen... my dad's house has this really huge kitchen and Kyla LOVES playing in there... and she was climbing up my chair and slid and hit her head on the chair. I was trying to hold her and she just plunked right down. If you have kids you know - this kind of thing happens ALL THE TIME when they are learning to get themselves around... and usually it's nothing...

Well, she's got quite a bump right smack in the middle of her forehead. But she's fine. Barely fussed. There was the initial WAAAAAAAHHHH and then she was happy within 45 seconds. Then right after she stopped crying I noticed the bump. I was like OH NO MY BABY!!! So I freaked out for a minute thinking what if something's really wrong... but she didn't even hit her head that hard. Babies are so little that when they just fall from a standing position there's really not much momentum. Still, the bump on her head makes me feel horrible!

I will say it is nice having an experienced mom to talk to because my stepmom assured me "it looks worse than it is" and that's she's fine. I know as long as she's happy there isn't anything really wrong. It looks nasty though. I'm sure it will fade in a day or so.

Tonight we are having chicken pasta alfredo or some delicious concoction... Another bonus about moving in with the folks - yummy home cooked meals. I can not cook. I am learning though. I can actually boil carrots and heat up peas in the microwave now!!

I am a little bored being at home all day without a car, especially since it is cold outside and I'm not one for taking walks in the ice cold, but it's a much better bored feeling than what I had before. This is like a chill out period whereas before I felt I was just living the Groundhog Day life... same thing day in and day out with no end in sight.

I talked to a friend today from Tampa. She has some pretty big exciting things going on right now and I am super happy for her. While I've been conditioned to doubt my friendships at times......... I'm now finding reassurance from people I truly do care about and that's a good feeling. It makes me happy to see this person succeed and move forward. Hard work DOES pay off!!

I got my traffic facts back so I can see the hit count going back up... hopefully in the next few weeks it will be back to what it was before it was taken down. People are coming back fast though, so thank you!! I am amazed to see that I have hits from like 40 of the 50 states and RANDOM countries too!!

Kyla's awake. Gotta go.

D

More KYLA!

There's another one of my favorites. I think she's about 6 weeks old in this picture... I can't remember LOL... I have them all organized by month from June on, but the first few months are all in one online album out of order.

I slept good last night. Right before I went to bed I just felt like a weight was lifted off of me and I don't even know why. I guess it's just the process of letting go starting to work.

Kyla is on the floor playing with one of her bath toys. I bought her this little fishy thing that swims... but I can't use it with her in the tub because she goes for it so quickly I'm afraid she's going to get hurt... she just wants to go to a crawling position out of nowhere. Obviously I am right there with her, but she's FAST going after this freaking fish toy... so now she just plays with it out of the tub.

I have been trying to get into some TV shows just to relax... but I just don't like any!! I find myself either online reading/chatting/writing or reading books lately. I watch Starting Over if I catch it, and Oprah, but other than that I just don't get into TV. The Bachelorette is so super BORING. American Idol is BLAH... it's like watching the same kids sing over and over and over again... not fun. I don't like crime shows, they scare me. I do want to go to the movies sometime soon. When I went to see Bridget Jones when I lived in Columbia it was great... yeah, who would think going to see a movie would be such a big deal but it IS when you have a child and never really get to absorb yourself in something else...

Last night Kyla and I were doing the weirdest thing. I will try to explain it... We were sitting on the bed. I was sitting up against the pillows with my legs in front of me, and she was sitting against me... my feet were sticking out in front of hers. So she was staring at my feet. Then she would move one of her feet, and I would move my foot. And she was like mesmerized by this. Then she would lift her hand, and I would lift mine. Then she'd kick both her feet, and I would kick mine. And she laughed. Like, she knew I was copying her. This went on for literally 15 minutes. She is also into grabbing my nose lately.

Gotta go.

What a face.

That's a picture only a mother would love... I was just looking through all my ofoto pictures of Kyla and I just wanted to post one. I haven't taken any since we've been here so I figured I would just pull up some of my favorites and post them... I was going to grab one from each month of her life so far but that would take forever and I'm just tired right now.

Today we slept late... Did I already mention that?? I don't even know if I did or not LOL... she was awake early but I brought her in to bed with me and nursed her back to sleep. She is so funny when she sleeps... she makes the cutest faces and lays on her side like a mini-person.

She ate half a banana for breakfast. I was expecting to find half of it in the high chair, but she gobbled it all up except for one piece. She's the cutest when she eats. Tonight she wasn't much in the mood for carrots and mush Gerber beef. She was all about the Zwieback toast. A bread addict just like me!!!

Speaking of me and bread and food... I think I have started to lose some weight. There's not a lot of junk in the house and THAT IS A GOOD THING. I just don't need it. I was pigging out on oreos and ice cream and whatever treats TK would bring home for me... and it was just bad. We'd go through a pack of oreos in 3 days. That's just gluttony... or is it sloth. One of those deadly sins. We were definitely good at overindulging together.

Today has been another day of thinking on my part. My life is at a crossroads right now... one of those times where I'm in complete limbo and have no idea what will come next. I am actively trying to get a few jobs. BOTH situations have their pros and cons... but I'd do either in a heartbeat. It is too soon to know whether or not they are even interested in me... but even waiting half a day is nerve racking. The everything happens for a reason thing is in control. One situation will take me in one geographic direction, and the other... another direction. And if I don't get either one it just means I'm meant to stay here a little while longer until I figure out plan B. But at least I feel good about trying, and am enjoying the uncertainty of it all.

I also thought today about the show I've put on for everyone over the last several months. I know there are a lot of people, even people I know and would never suspect of caring about this, who have read this drama and consider my blog a "guilty pleasure". The best are those who I know but don't talk to who think I have no idea they're reading... or those who say "I heard from a friend that blah..." but I know they've been reading.

Oh, and lately, since I've kept the details of what is actually going on - because let's face it you know there's things going on right now - off of here, I'm getting random emails from people, and I know there have been phone calls made, and there's people all wanting their piece of the TK Dana pie all over the place... It's just really strange.

OK so I've been writing and deleting, writing and deleting, because I am starting to do that spewing and whatever that I shouldn't do.

So goodnight.

If Men Came With Warning Labels.

Well, I just kind of came up with this a little while ago after getting an email from someone I never would have expected to hear from... interesting.

But it got me thinking... what if men came with warning labels? Would we listen?

(Can I just say I just had deja vu... like was that a Sex & The City episode???)

Anyway, I don't know if anyone would heed the warnings, but I can think of a few people I'd want to brand! I am sure there are some who would like to brand me as well... but the people I am referring to would have several marks on their foreheads and it wouldn't be like eating the super fatty McDonald's Milkshake or smoking a cigarette regardless of the warning... dealing with these people would be like drinking BLEACH... you might survive, but you'll end up severely damaged.

Anyway, that's my thought for the evening. And speaking of bleach, I really need to finish laundry!!

D

HERE SHE IS!

Thank you for your help!!!

Imageshack.us rules!

D

PICTURES, etc.

I wish I could post pictures!! Here's the deal - in laymans terms for those of you un-web-savvy fools... The blogger doesn't "host" pictures. Basically each picture is a file and needs to be stored "somewhere" out there in cyberspace... Each picture on the web has a URL assigned to it where it lives, like on the server where it's uploaded and saved...

When I had my "other" website the blogger was linked to the website so that when I posted something to my blog it actually went through the host server and NOT through the blogger's server. But now that we can't figure out how to set it up like that again, I can not upload any pictures.

I am able to post pictures I find elsewhere on the web because I just grab the URL from the picture and it tells the blogger to go find it somewhere else... so it's not actually stored IN my blog, it's not taking up the bloggers space... but it lives out there on someone else's server. That's why on my previous posts on my other dirt blog there are red x's. Because the pictures were hosted by my old site which no longer exists.

OK so now that that's out of the way... I wish I could post pictures of Kyla. I was scrolling through the other blog - which is now my dirt blog and this will be the personal - and all of her picture are gone. They are still stored on the laptop, but I don't have them here. I mean, obviously I have Kyla with me so I can look at her any time I want, but she is sleeping and I just wanted to look at the pictures I took of her like the day before we left... she is so super cute.

Today my dad and stepmom watched her for a while so I could have some "me" time... they took some video of her just playing around. It's so fun to see how much she is learning every day. My friend got her that cool new toy with the keyboard and she loves to press the buttons and see it light up. She is just curious about EVERYTHING!!

I feel like every day she is a little bit different. Like when I was giving her a bath earlier, she just felt a lot more steady in the tub. I am such a wreck about the bath and her slipping, but she was facing me and splashing away tonight. Her skin is really dry so I can't keep her in the tub very long, but she was having a ball. And she's so picture perfect when she smiles and shows off her 2 bottom teeth. Bath pictures... that's one thing I have not taken a lot of. We have a few from when she was really tiny, but I just haven't thought to take any recently. I will have to make her a bubble bath and take some... what's a baby album without bath pictures?

I have been thinking alot about her 1st birthday. It is less than 2 months away!! If we are still here in Boston hopefully we'll have a nice party with relatives and friends... Party hats, balloons, CHOCOLATE CAKE. OH geez I need to learn how to bake a cake. I mean, I used to help my mom bake cakes all the time but it's been years. I really want to make birthdays special for her. In my family birthdays were a HUGE deal. It was like your own personal Christmas!!

Hopefully TK will be around for her birthday. He wants to be here - or wheverever we are - to celebrate with her.

I should really go to bed. I have been staying up lately and it's catching up with me again. I need to take my contacts out and I am dreading it because they don't come out easily... and they are a PAIN to get back in!

As for unfinished business LOL... Part of working through my issues involves getting some sort of closure to an unresolved issue that's been eating at me for quite some time. Some of you may be able to figure out what it is... some of you may think it's something that it's really not... but it is not going to be easy.

It's complicated. I was wronged. There is no doubt I was wronged. But how I dealt with the fallout of all of it wasn't right. So now I have to try to put some stuff back together again and stop being angry.

I guess maybe while it's not death or a person I "lost"... it was something very important to me that is now gone. I'm getting past the anger... and now I'm just upset. Realizing what I did wrong. I guess I feel guilty for doing this to myself. I am looking at what led me to behave the way I behaved... was it ALL my fault or did other things contribute... and can I work with those issues or do I just completely have to let go of ALL of it in order to move forward?

I think a lot of it depends on the reactions I receive when I finally do "reach out" and look for closure. There were just so many things that went wrong and I am willing to admit my part - but is anyone else willing to admit that I was wronged as well?

Hmmmmm... more pondering before proceeding cautiously.

Without being specific...

LOL.

So since I've been home I've of course been doing a LOT of thinking. I needed to get away from a lot of things, including myself if that makes sense.

So many BAD things have happened over the last year and being alone all day with my thoughts and plenty of time to dwell on things was really just getting to me. I had nothing else to do. It wasn't just my relationship that was bothering me, it was a combination of everything I'd been through, living with the "what if I had handled this... or that... differently..." and post-pardum stuff, and just everything in general. I knew I had to make a change and the things that were happening just came to head and something in me just wanted to run.

But now that I'm here - and I know being here IS the best thing right now for all parties involved - I've had time to think about other situations I've run from. Out of fear, frustration, being overwhelmed... things just pile up and pile up and at some point you just feel like there's no more excuses... there's no more understanding... there's a "oh no I can't do this AGAIN" mentality so I just said "SCREW IT".

So I know there's been talk of unfinished business lately... and I have some of my own. The thing is, I am ready to let it go... but I feel I have to finish it before I let it go.

Now pondering how to proceed - with caution.

D

GO PATRIOTS.

Superbowl Sunday! Last year at this time I was 7 months pregnant and was actually here in Boston for my baby shower... then I watched the game with some friends. I might go to hang out with them again tonight... not sure yet. My dad and stepmother will watch her. Well, actually, my dad will be glued to the TV and my stepmom will most likely do all the baby work LOL.

Yesterday my friend came to hang out. We went out to Bertucci's for a late lunch. I love taking Kyla to restaurants now because she is so cute in the little high chair eating little bits of my food. And of course it's always nice to have people telling me how cute she is too! Then we went to WalMart because I needed to pick up a few things... and I was SO pissed bc they didn't have baby food!! All the WalMarts in the south are SUPER WALMARTS and have the best selection of baby foods, but this one had NONE. Formula, but no jars of baby food AT ALL. Oh well, at least I got what I needed for Kyla besides the food... and got to check out the shelves full of CPKs I can not have.

My friend gave Kyla the coolest toy. It's a little farm thing that lights up, plays music, moos, bbbaaaah, barks, oiks, sings, etc. She LOVES it. I have a feeling she's going to get lots of noisy toys for her birthday in a few months!!

This morning we went out for breakfast at this cute little place near my dad's house. Kyla ate eggs and hash browns and juice.

I kind of have a headache. I was up late last night doing some stuff for my website. I think I'm going to take a nap while Kyla is taking hers.

D