BURN YOUR COSMO!!!

OMG... I am NEVER READING COSMO AGAIN!

I will be honest, I don't pick up Cosmo very often... It's a pretty obnoxious magazine to begin with - which is why I don't usually read it - but last night I figured I'd see if there was anything in there to use on the show...

What I discovered is that Cosmo is the most DEPRESSING thing a girl could read.

The issue in question is "The Hot Issue" with Kate Hudson on the cover... The article about Kate Hudson is about the only thing I enjoyed reading.

Basically, this issue reveals two very harsh, basic truths about men, women, and relationships.

1. The woman must constantly be improving her personality, appearance, self, and sexual techniques in order to please a man.

2. No matter how good she gets at said techniques, HE WILL STILL CHEAT ON HER!

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Page 68: How to WOW him after your first sexual encounter.

1. Woman must get her ass out of bed before the man wakes up and "freshen" herself because he doesn't find dragon breath or bed head or smeared mascara attractive.

2. Woman must feed her man - and run out for bagels because he won't have anything in the house - because he'll be famished after banging her all night long.

3. Get the F out of his place after breakfast because he doesn't want to hang out with your smelly ass all day... Cosmo does say you are allowed to ask him for a ride though - isn't that nice?

4. Tell him you had fun. Yup, make sure you stroke his ego even more after he used you for sex all night.

Page 111: How to get your man to "Chill With You"

All I can say is that if you're with a guy who doesn't willingly hang out with you, he's not a guy you should be with. If you require Cosmo's tips on how to get him to chill with you, he probably doesn't really want to chill with you anyway.

In a nutshell, Cosmo says you need to "talk in sexy code", "give him a time frame" so he doesn't think he's stuck chilling with you ALL DAY because that would just be awful for him, and of course there's the do things that HE wants to do because why on earth would a man do something that YOU enjoy?

Page 113-115: How to be the Best Sex He's Ever Had!

Not a bad article, really. They polled 5000 men about sex, what they find sexy, what turns them on, turns them off, what part of their body needs more attention - their BALLS OF COURSE - and how to act after the fact...

3 full pages of percentages and quotes from men... all designed so that women can please them longer, better, faster, more often, etc...

Then we come to this...

Page 176-179: The Naughty Secrets He's Keeping From You

This is all about men and how they cheat, lie, think about other women while they are with you, had STD's, and pick up hookers.

Seriously... after you just read all about how to "behave" after you first sleep with a guy, read all the ways you need to dress to please him, and make a mental note to give certain icky parts of his body more attention next time... Cosmo lets you know that he's still a lying cheating pig!!!!!

"I have a rule. If I cheat, it's gotta be intercourse. Anything short of that isn't worth the risk."

"On those rare cases when I've cheated, I've planned it as carefully as a bank heist. I know when she's going to be out of town, I've established an airtight alibi, I've chosen a location where no one knows my face, and so on. I haven't been nabbed yet."

"When I was really little I used to masturbate by rubbing our cat's fur over my penis..."

******

On that note, I'm done.

Cosmo sucks. Good thing I picked up a fat ice cream sandwich and some Smartfood to chow down on while reading.

:)

D

Smelly Celly!

I am really annoyed with my cell phone right now. I can not find my charger ANYWHERE. When I was staying at my brother's I had it plugged into the wall in his room... when I left, I KNOW I took it with me... I KNOW I did... and he told me it's not at his place... so I SWORE it was at my friend Stephanie's but she and her man have searched the place for it and it isn't there...

I thought maybe I'd packed it in one of my bags, but I've literally emptied every single one of them, gone through every little side pocket, zipper pouch, nook and cranny... and still NOTHING. No charger.

My phone's been living on a tiny bit of juice from the car charger for the 30 minutes to and from work... and of course blabbermouth that I am, I talk on it the whole time I'm in the car so it doesn't even end up charging!

I did talk to Sprint the other day about something else... and they told me that since I've been a loyal Sprint customer since 2002 (in other words, since they've forced me to sign contracts for the last 3 years every time I've changed my plan) I am entitled to a brand new phone for $50... and they usually cost about $150... I'm thinking I should just head over to Sprint and get my new phone... but I really don't want to spend the $50 right now.

Speaking of phones and how much the one I have sucks, a friend must have text messaged me at some point last night... and it came through at 4:42am!!! I know one of my friends was doing the morning show where he works today, so when the thing woke me up at that ridiculous hour I thought it was HIM f'ing with me trying to wake me up.... but no, it was someone else who I KNOW was not texting me at 4:42am... so obviously the message got tied up in the Sprint whatever and just decided to arrive at 4:42am...

Then I couldn't go back to sleep!!!

OK now that I have rambled about absosmurfly nothing for the last 15 minutes (bc that's how long it's taken me to type that junk)...

Can I just be really excited about the fact that I SQUEEZED... and I MEAN SQUEEZED... as in laid down on the bed and yanked on zipper squeezed.... into a pair of Bebe jeans I wore before I was pregnant... Well, actually, I found a Marino's Martini Bar receipt in the jeans from August 27, 2003... so I was about 5 weeks pregnant at the time... you know, I didn't even think to see if there was alcohol on the bill... probably not - unless it was right before I found out I was with child in which case I probably did have a drink LOL... Either that or if there is booze on the tab I might have bought drinks for some other people... I did do that sometimes.

But anyway, they are still too tight to actually WEAR OUT... but hopefully once I lose 2 or 3 more lbs they'll fit!! They are super cute too... and I also fit into a pair of Express jeans that I bought post-prego but haven't been able to wear often because my weight has gone back up a lot... now they fit better than ever. I know this is boring stupid Lindsay Lohan-ish weight talk, but I'm happy and I feel so much better now that I am almost back to my original size. It's only taken 16 months!!!

I think that's enough. Time to hang by the pool for a bit... then I need to get to the radio station and do some work on my MySpace... and some showprep... and schedule movers which is going to be fun!!!

OH, let me mention this... the statcounter that I use for danasdirt.com for free... yeah, they emailed me. I have way too many hits. They don't want to count my stats anymore because I have over 14,000 visitors a day... and yesterday, I had almost 20,000 visitors. Not hits, VISITORS!!!

I also need to figure out how to start making money off that ish!!!

Peace out, have a nice day, and thanks for reading The MILF Diaries!

Me

NIPS or ITZ?

Which do you prefer? Cheese Nips or Cheez-Its? I used to be NIPS all the way... but lately I've found myself choosing ITS over NIPS.... mostly because ITS are more commonly found in vending machines and that's been one of my main sources of nourishment lately... if you consider Famous Amos cookies and Smartfood "nourishment"...

Subway rules too. It's like the only place you can get something quick that isn't fried and salted enough to clog your arteries upon digestion.

I laid out for a little bit today but it is HOT. The sun feels so good for a little while but once I start to sweat like a pig and feel all heated dizzy I come in... plus I do NOT want to burn and peel... and I'm trying not to get skin cancer too, although I know the best way to prevent that is to not go in the sun AT ALL.

Why is it that something that makes you feel good and look good - the sun - can be so dangerous? Ain't that the way... same with booze... not good for you, but makes you feel good and look good... well I should say, makes OTHERS LOOK BETTER... you get my drift beer goggles!

Do you ever wonder if you are annoying? Like sometimes I wonder if I annoy the crap out of people... friends included. Yesterday was one of those days I just felt like I was annoying EVERYONE I talked to! I KNOW I can be annoying sometimes... but it sucks when you know others are annoyed too. I wish people would just be like "Yo, you are annoying me, can we talk later?" instead of just shooting out that vibe....

Oh, and haters... spare me the "you are really annoying Dana" comments and whatnot because if I am so damn annoying then WHY ARE YOU HERE? Thanks, just had to disclaim that... I know some people find me to be EXTREMELY ANNOYING but they're addicted to me like I'm some sort of heroin!

Oh well... I'm going to chow on my nips and diet coke and I'll holler on this blog later.

Hello... is anyone reading this???

It's funny I started posting to this blog again, but now that my life is fairly free of drizama, it doesn't seem like anyone is even reading!

Super funny... at least the dirt site is getting over 14,000 visitors a day!!! I swear to the baby Jesus, I'm getting TONNNNNNS of visitors to that site... I need to figure out how to make some dinero!

So living in a sweet hotel has been fun... but now it's starting to get a little cumbersome... like I want a couch to sit on... and mostly I want to cook something for myself and not have to roll out of bed and go somewhere in order to eat! A few more weeks... Don't get me wrong, the place where I am staying is GORGEOUS and they have been really good to me... I just really feel like cooking!!!!!

Does anyone else want to smack someone when they hear the Will Smith song "Switch, turn it over and hit it - ooh lalala..."??? I do. Sorry... I just do.

So we're going to be doing something REALLY fun with my show in a few weeks... I'm really excited. Gotta come up with lots of fun topics for it... any ideas? Feel free to share!!! I mean, I guess that's my job... but I would love to hear your ideas...

So I found out that one of my friends lives about 20 minutes from here!! She works on the radio in Springfield, MA... yes - a radio chick like me... so we're going to hang on Sunday I think. She warned me that she and her roomate are a little crazy... I think I can handle it ;)

Have you seen the Slave to Target website? It's super funny... you should check it out if you haven't seen it... www.slavetotarget.com...

I gotta jump. Time to go home and SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP 'til noon!

Me

Copy and Paste...

OK since SO MANY people have been emailing me through MySpace asking for access to the private blog I'll give you a little taste of what's inside...

NOTHING SPECIAL!

Really... nothing much. I just once in a while use that as a place to vent... there are honestly not that many people who have access to it, and I've had to ban some people from it... and I have a feeling there might be one or two people who do talk about what's in there so I don't share all that much anyway.

At this point I've realized the best thing to do when I have something really personal to talk about - I should call a friend! I don't need to share all this stuff with the world... but I keep the blogs going with other random stuff just for fun. The really deep, the really private, the issues, or anything I might say that could and will be used against me - I keep to myself for the most part.

Here's what I posted there today - so you know you're not missing much!

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A morning of TLC...


Yeah like as if I got some Tender Loving Care...

I watched those silly TLC shows all morning. Perfect Proposal, Second Chance, Makeover Story... GREAT FUN!

But that show Second Chance made me want to do something REALLY bad... that I can't do... it has NOTHING to do with any previous relationship, but it made me think of someone I care about a lot and wonder if I should reveal my feelings... but I won't. I can't. Not now anyway... I have too much going on, I'd rather NOT face the rejection...

I am about to go lay out for a while. Yesterday was very tiring... and today I have a meeting at work at 4:30 so I might as well get some time with the sun.

Allow me to brag a bit - I've lost a LOT of weight over the last few months... like without even really trying. I think the combination of stress, being REALLY busy, not having much money to spend on food, and living out of my car/a hotel without constant snacks at my disposal, snorting coke, purging, and running 30 miles a day on the treadmill... I've just not been pigging out like I used to...

My arse is still bigger than it used to be, but my tummy has slimmed down a lot and I finally feel good about myself physically... getting a tan doesn't hurt either!

Oh I was kidding about the snorting, purging, and running... but everything else is true. I just figured it would be funny to toss that shit in there to catch you off guard.

OK enough of that... I'm loving life... just miss my baby girl. I talked to her this morning. I just have to keep my emotions about the whole thing in check because if I even allowed myself to go there I'd be a mess... and right now is a time for being TOGETHER and moving forward.

Later!

Me

******

There it is... Peace!

Dr. Scholls...

What do you think about the fact that Dr. Scholl's are back? I am SO TEMPTED to get a pair... because I think they are cute and I love the clanky noise they make... but I'm not sure. I don't want the flip flop types with the rubber soles... I want the wooden ones. Summer is half over though... I don't need any more shoes, but they are so cute and I LOVED my Dr. Scholl's when I was a kid!

So things are GREAT in Hartford... Things are falling into place... I am having so much fun doing my show and getting to know people... I guess the whole everything happens for a reason deal is true, although it's taken me a while to figure it all out!

I just updated my MySpace profile with the station logo and stuff... might as well pimp it out for a bit! I couldn't match the pink in the logo exactly though, I was getting frustrated so I just settled with a close match... I'm sure you've seen it already though!

I really love the new BEP song!! I can't stop listening to it!! We're not playing it yet but I'm rooting for it... and I'm sorry to say this because I love Jon Bon Jovi but his new song is AWFUL. It's like "It's My Life" part 2 and it SUCKS!!!!

Jon Bon Jovi - QUIT WHILE YOU ARE AHEAD!!

I like the new Jason Mraz and the new train too... and there's a new Hootie song! HOOOOOOOOOOTIE!!!

And I don't think I'll ever get sick of Mr. Brightside, I hear it and I turn it up LOUD in my car and bob my head around like a HUGE DORK... but it's so good!!!

So last night in my hotel... I couldn't get the movie thing to work... so they gave me ANOTHER room to watch a movie in! STUPID ME - I FELL ASLEEP!!! I went to a different room, paid $9.99 to watch The Pacifier, and fell asleep 10 minutes into it!!! I am SUCH A LOSER!! I woke up at 11pm, went back to my room, and then watched CSI. I NEVER watch those shows but it sucked me in.

So that's my life in a nutshell right now... just having fun working and stuff. My friends were here yesterday and we went to lunch and then did some shopping... but I was a good girl, I didn't buy anything! Can't shop like I used to... ;)

Thanks for reading.

D