my achin' head

My best friend came over last night, brought a bottle of wine, some chick flicks, and the game "Scene It"... my dad and stepmom went to the movies, Kyla was asleep (most of the time) so we were just going to chill out and do girly things :)

We popped open the bottle of wine, poured our glasses, sat at the kitchen table... and next thing you know it's 11pm!! We just sat there for 3 hours talking. Never made it to the livingroom to watch a movie or play the game... we just had so much to catch up on!

So, we polished off that bottle of wine LOL... and now - yeah, my head is a littly achy. Pumpin' and dumpin' was fun too.

Tonight I was going to go out with my friends, but I am not sure I am going to now... won't really get into why, but I just have a hard time going out when I know people are hurting. Something absolutely horrible happened to a family I care about, and the idea of going out to party while I know others are dealing with such a tragedy... I just can't.

Anyway, TTFN.

D

it's all about the shoes...

OMG how cute are THESE??? I just bought them.

I really need to go out and just have some fun... so my dad and stepmom gave me some money to get some clothes. Plus, if by some miracle I get to go on a job interview in the near future, I'll need stuff to wear.

Seriously, I love these shoes. They are so not practical - but they were FREE. Well, kinda. Steve Madden had a buy one get one free sale... so I picked out a pair of cute black heel boots (all I brought with me from Columbia were my red ugg clogs and sneakers!!) and then found out I could get something FREE!! So I went for the cutest pair of shoes on the rack.

I've never been a big shoe girl either. I always just liked getting actual clothes - shirts and pants with basic shoes... but now I'm kind of wanting to go the other way. Basic clothes with fun accessories!!!

I ended up getting a pair of jeans and a pink shirt at express. The shirt is like bright pink, short sleeves, wide v-neck with a sequin thing in the middle... it's cute... but it's really too cold to wear, and the material is really thin and I still have a LITTLE pudge on me... I really want to take it back and get this bright pink hoodie and put that with a white tank, this ADORABLE sheer sequin scarf I saw, and a cute hat I saw. I love hats. I think that would be WAY cuter than the other shirt. We'll see. It's been SO LONG since I shopped for myself!!

NOW - I know it's like - why are you going shopping when you have bills? But honestly, I am working on getting a handle on my bills - and it has been SO LONG since I've just been able to go out and be ME.

We were talking over dinner last night and my dad and stepmom were like - we want you to get out, go have fun, go see your friends... but I honestly just couldn't go because I had NOTHING appropriate to wear out in Boston. Who wants to go out to bars where everyone is all dolled up - and I'd be in Old Navy jeans and sneakers? Just not going to happen. Especially not in this city...

So I went shopping... and I did a lot of thinking in the car too... turned the radio up really loud for a change and listened to some new songs I like, listened to the DJ's in Boston - here where it all started for me - and just kind of relaxed with my thoughts.


Right now, my life is about figuring out a balance. Getting back to being ME, because I really did lose myself in all I've been through. Just being home, driving past familiar places, getting together with old friends. It's very comforting. I have a sense of security right now I haven't felt in a long time. Real hope - like, I have no job, no money, etc... but things will be fine. I'll figure it out. I've been through rough times before and I've always managed to get back on my feet. I've loved and lost before and managed to heal and move forward.

I also know I'm getting over the GUILT that goes along with being a mom... I could have gone out here and there when I still lived in Tampa, but I felt guilty. I didn't want to leave Kyla for a night... I felt like if I was going out to do something for me that I was abandoning her. Now I realize it's OK. It will be GOOD for me. I need to be my own person as well as being her mother.

Anyway, today was a good day. I handled another situation that pissed me off in a positive way. I didn't go off... I handled it nicely, and it worked out well. I won't say what it was at all... but I stopped myself from being a bitch and was really nice and positive about it instead - and it worked!!

I also realized I have a TRUE friend in someone I've known for a while... not that I ever doubted the friendship, but it's such a great feeling when people you know really reach out and offer support...

Going to do some dirt now :)

D

there is a God.

OK it is 1:30am... I have not been this happy in a long time - and no I did not just do something dirty LOL.

I have been SEARCHING for something for a VERY LONG TIME... something I LOST in the chaos of my life - and thought it was just gone forever. I have been trying to figure out a way to recreate it or to get another... but it just was not possible.

Then a friend I haven't talked to much lately IM's me to say Hi... so we're chatting... and I was mentioning this thing I lost.

ME: I don't know what I am goind to do... I need this thing... I can't find it anywhere, I have searched.

MY FRIEND: I think I might have it... call me.

OMG IT'S BEEN FOUND!!!! AND NOW I HAVE IT!!!

And it might REALLY HELP ME RIGHT NOW.....

THANK YOU!!!

It is about time GOOD KARMA comes my way!!!

D

overdoing it.

Overdoing what?

THINKING. Overanalyzing.

My friend and I had this long IM conversation last night about people and their issues. We talked about our own... and she was like "OMG ARE YOU WATCHING MY LIFE AND COPYING IT?" because we have some very similar anger management/lashing out issues. Maybe it's because we're both girl DJ's - I don't know.

So we're discussing various people in our lives and their issues... and finally I just started to get a headache, like massive confusion, thinking about it because EVERYONE has issues, and most people basically have the same issues, but the way we MASK them is different.

Like, I'm clutterry. Not as clutterry as some people... but definitely more of a "I'll clean it up later" than a "gotta clean as I go" person. So being "cluttery" is a sign of emotional clutter, confusion, clutter in your life.

But - being super neat can also be a sign of emotional "clutter". It's more of a control thing though... rather than being clutterry inside and out, people can control the clutter on the outside to mask the internal clutter.

Same with insecurity. I don't know very many people who are not insecure. Some people mask it with ego, higher than thou, very materialistic ways... others mask it by bullying... others with fakeness... and then there are just some very nice people who are overly nice and try to please people so they'll be liked. Uh, I think I've done a little of ALL of those - maybe that means I'm more f'd up than most people.

Ohhhh... and anger. Anger is a big one. My friend and I both FLIP OUT and take the most random stuff out on significant people in our lives. I don't know how many times I would like - forget where my shoes were - and SCREAM "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO WITH MY BLEEPING SHOES?!?!" She says she does the same thing with her man or her mother. Like even if they have NOTHING to do with it - it's someone there to yell at.

I am really trying not to be so angry. Something made me mad yesterday and my first inclination was to do something nasty back... but then I just decided it wasn't worth it... I let it go. YEAH FOR ME!!!

One of the other things I have been mulling over in my little brain is the whole "perfect" thing. Like, I always have this "someday my life will be perfect" image... and I think that's why I spend so much time being upset, angry, unhappy. Now, I did/do have some stressers in my life that definitely were not healthy or good for me, but I also had/have a lot of good and have to be REALISTIC about life and try to find happiness, contentedness, in the amazing things/people I do have.

One of the other things I do is move from one thing I want to the next... I get something I want... and then I want something else... I have done this with material things and just with life in general. "If only I had a new car life would be better..." Get the new car, and then it needs the stereo system, or I need to go somewhere exciting in the new car, or I need cool new sunglasses to wear while driving the new car... It's ridiculous. I have accumulated a number of material things - nice clothes, had nice cars in the past, etc. and I still wasn't happy.

I have great friends and a great family... but I somehow always felt alone and still do sometimes. I don't really know why. I think part of it has to do with pride and not wanting to ask for help, especially since I feel like I'm always the one who needs favors, or help, or a shoulder to cry on, or someone to vent to... I don't really feel like I do all that much for anyone else, yet I'm always taking taking taking.

Anyway, I've talked myself in circles LOL... NOW FOR SOME NORMAL STUFF.

Saturday night I am GOING OUT. Like really going out. Kyla goes to sleep, mommy goes out with the girls!! We're going out in Boston. I'm going shopping tomorrow to get a new outfit because I have NOTHING here to wear. And I don't mean that as in the old Dana "I have nothing to wear because I've already worn everything in my closet once" - I mean that I haven't really gone out since Kyla was born, and the times I did I was in FL where it was warm... here it's cold. I need something nice - and warm - to wear. It will be weird for me to be out in that scene again. It's just been so long. I am NOT the party animal I used to be... but it will be a good time.

Thank you for the movie suggestions!! I am going to try to watch some this weekend.

I'm so tired. Been staying up late.

Check out the dirt page, it's all updated :)

D

15 minutes.

That's how long I have been sitting here, fingers poised over the keyboard, racking my brain trying to think of an appropriate subject for this morning's post. Well, I couldn't think of one - so there it is - 15 minutes.

15 minutes - that's how long it is now taking me to get my contact lenses in. They are a pain in the arse. I can see so much better with them in - obviously - but getting them in is so stressful. That big finger going right for my eyeball... and then it stings a little... and I just have to bear the pain... I just keep telling myself "once this is in, you'll be able to see..." I have always watched people do their contacts, I've dated guys with contacts and seen them pop them in and out 100 times... but I just can't get the hang of it!! I think it might be because I have small eyes so I have to pull my eyelids off my face in order to pop the freaking thing in... but it's still a pain.

15 minutes - that's about how long it takes Kyla to fall asleep at night. Naptime is a different story. She's wailing right now but we've been up since 8:30 crawling around and mommy needs a little break!!

OK so anyway.

I went to dinner with my dad last night. We ate at Bertucci's - YUM. I don't think they have Bertucci's anywhere else, but it's good. Italian - of course. I got Chicken, Broccoli, Ziti - without the icky broccoli. The sauce and chicken and pasta - yum. It is always weird ordering that dish "without the broccoli"... It's like hamburger, no ham... or something. But it was yum. I got the wine sauce instead of the cheese sauce...

Speaking of food, eating, weight... I seriously think I have lost weight!!! When I was in Columbia I just ate ate ate... ate late at night... ate all day... ate junk... here I have breakfast, lunch, dinner around 6, maybe 7... and that's it. I might have a cracker or hot chocolate or something, but I really feel lighter and I look more like I used to.

I've been thinking I really want to go back to being blonde!!! I know - I was blonde for so long and all I could talk about 6 months ago was wanting to go back to brown... but when I look at pictures of myself as a blonde I just think I looked so much better!! I keep feeling like my appearance went to crap after having Kyla, but I don't think I looked that bad until I stopped working, started pigging out, changed my hair, and got depressed LOL. I'm also thinking maybe I'll do something crazy with my hair, like put some pink streaks in it too - just for fun. I need a change!!

OK so can anyone recommend any good fun chick flicks? I can't get into ANY TV shows lately... I just can't. American Idol - booooooring... I can't watch any of the CSI or ER types. They are too dramatic and depressing. If I watch CSI and someone gets mutilated, I worry that it could happen to me... if someone has some freaky illness on ER, I worry that it could happen to me. Those shows don't sit well with me. There's no good sitcoms. Someone needs to make a new show like Friends or Seinfeld that is just FUN. Joey sucks. Hope & Faith SUCKS. I did watch a movie the other night and it was a good escape for me. For a while I didn't watch movies at home because I'd fall asleep anyway, but now I think watching some good movies would be cool. So let me know what you've seen.

OH - and you'll have to email me. I decided to just block anyone from commenting on this blog. Really, even the members of this blog have said stuff that doesn't sit well with me... so I'm just over the public commentary. If you have something to say, by all means email me... but I'm done making this a free for all. I say enough stuff I shouldn't say, I don't need other people doing it too LOL.

Oh, and as for the ADD thing... I've been doing a LOT of reading about Adult ADD, ADHD, etc. and I am not sure if I really have ADD or if I'm just lazy LOL... but I do know someone else in my life has SEVERE out of control ADHD and as I was reading about it I realized "THIS IS MY LIFE"... I had no idea ADHD was such an all-encompassing, destructive, horrible problem... so now we'll see what is done with that knowledge. At least I know I really am not to blame... and that other people have gone through it too.

I also find comfort in having an answer to the "WHY?" that I've been asking for so long. Not an excuse by any means, but at least some explanation. I know when I went through a serious depression after my mom passed away a lot of people - including my boyfriend at the time who dumped me on top of all I was feeling - did not understand and just thought I was WEAK, dwelling on things, crazy, etc... and now I know that mental illness and chemical imbalances in the brain are very real... and that they can be treated.

Anyway, I think that's about it for now. I am going to update the dirt IF I CAN GET THE PAGE TO OPEN... The blogger has been running really slow today - it's driving me insane.

:)

Dana

a.d.d.

OK - this is a really odd thing for me to be wondering about, especially since I have ALWAYS said I think "A.D.D. and A.D.H.D. is a CROCK, an excuse for not paying attention, and excuse for being lazy, an excuse for not doing things you don't want to do, etc." but after watching something this morning and then jumping online to read more - I'm like OMG, he has it... and maybe I do too. This could explain a lot.

Jane had some people on today who have Adult ADD & ADHD - men and women. I never thought I had ADD or anything, I thought I was just a lazy disorganized procrastinator... but after hearing these people talk I realized maybe there's a reason for it and I'm not just lazy and miserable. And I also listened to the highly creative - but incredibly disorganized - men talk about how difficult it is to maintain relationships while living with this issue...

I also thought since I'm not hyperactive AT ALL, and since I did well in school, that I didn't have a problem... but that's not always the case with ADD - especially in women.

So here's a paragraph from the ADD/ADHD website that sums up my life.

"You may have ADHD if you: Have trouble completing projects and jump from one activity to another. Parents and teachers told you that you should have tried harder in school. And are frequently forgetful; have trouble remembering to do the things you intended. Frequently rushing, over-committed, often late. Make impulsive purchases, impulsive decisions. Feel overwhelmed and disorganized in your daily life. Have a disorderly purse, car, closet, household, etc. Are easily distracted from the task you are doing. Go off on tangents in conversations; may tend to interrupt. Have trouble balancing your checkbook; difficulty with paperwork."

The only thing that does NOT apply to me is the thing about doing better in school. I graduated with honors... but I never was able to finish college. I just couldn't keep up with that amount of work, and I couldn't complete tasks on my own. In high school I was motivated by smart friends and my parents, but once I got to college and there was no more real competition and I was more motivated to party than study... well, it all just went downhill... Plus, I wanted to be on the radio anyway.

I acheived that goal - worked very hard for it... and then threw it all away... so why? Could it be related to the issues in that paragraph above and I'm not just a self-destructive idiot? The website also says that women with ADD/ADHD can manage it pretty well and live with it until they have a child... and then the responsibility of having to manage so many tasks just becomes overwhelming. Maybe that's what led to me quitting. I just couldn't handle all of it, so I just dropped something... made an impulsive decision... and of course now I regret it.

I know some people read that and think "yeah I feel that way sometimes too"... but it's a constant with me. I never finished setting up the apartment in Tampa, I barely worked on setting up the apartment in Columbia... I forget things all the time... I am ALWAYS late for things and it used to get me in trouble at work... I procrastinate paying bills even when I had the money to pay them...

I am aware of these problems. I have been aware of them for quite some time. I have wanted to change. I want to be organized. I think about how much easier my life would be if I was organized. Right now I have to pay off parking tickets from 6 years ago in order to register a car... I have to pay off bills from YEARS and YEARS ago to get my credit back in order... I made PLENTY of money while I worked in Tampa, and blew it ALL on crap... and I thought once I had a child to worry about I'd be better at it - and here I am broke. Instead of getting better it's gotten worse.

Everything is "disorderly"... My car was a complete disaster. My purse is a mess, I can never find my license or my cash when I need it, and half the time I put those things somewhere else - not back in my purse - and then end up looking like an idiot when I need money or a credit card, fumbling at the check out counter to find it. I've even left my credit card in the pocket of my jacket and had to run to the car to get it while at WalMart once. And it's not just a once in a while thing that happens to everyone - it's constant.

I seem to be the only person I know who constantly ends up in these complete debacles. Sometimes I escape getting in trouble for it - like my car not being registered in FLORIDA EVER - and I drove around with MA plates that expired in 2003 for over a year and never got caught... but it all eventually does catch up to me. I have no idea why I do this. I was not poor. I could have paid these things and taken care of them. I just never did. Little things like this happen to everyone sometimes, but they seem to happen to me ALL THE TIME - and I always know when they happen that I brought them upon myself by failing to take care of things when I should have.

I guess I could keep blaming myself, keep feeling guilty and like I'm just a big failure at life and at being a normal functioning person, but maybe there's a reason. Maybe I'm depressed and focus so much on negative things because I have this A.D.D. thing and I'm not really a bad lazy person. Maybe there's a REASON for it, not just an "excuse".

Either way... excuse or reason... getting help is the best thing to do. I know when I was severely depressed after my mom died I didn't understand depression. I thought I was just miserable and that it was my fault. I thought I was just a weak person... but then I went to therapy and took medication, and I've since realized that depression - and any other kind of mental illness - is very real, and there IS HELP.

So anyway, I'm going to do some more reading about this. I also wonder if that's why I am so bad at things like sending thank you cards, birthday cards, wedding gifts, paying bills on time, etc. I have been feeling really crappy about all of these things I just forget to do, or procrastinate on, and I just thought I was a selfish person... but maybe there's some other explanation for it.

On the show they also talked about how a lot of times people with ADD/ADHD are highly creative and successful with creative things, following a different path from the norm, and how if they're not doing what they love to do and are good at - they get depressed... seems to be the vicious cycle I've been living with.

I impulse purchase all the time. Hello, I have 100 Cabbage Patch Kids and no health insurance... how does that make sense?

I go off on tangents (if you read this journal often you know this lol)... and sometimes I go back later and re-read what I wrote and think "omg that's horrible"... I just get so worked up sometimes I can't control it. I'm trying... but for example yesterday when I saw this girl copying my website I got so aggravated... instead of brushing it off, I just blew up about it - and that only makes me look mean. I'm not trying to be mean, I guess it just gets to me...

And I know he has it... As if it's not obvious. Maybe it isn't overdiagnosed... maybe it's real. Maybe I have it. Or maybe it is just an excuse - but I'll use the excuse "I have A.D.D." and then do something about it.

My dad and I are going out for dinner tonight so I'm going to talk to him about it. Since I don't have insurance it might be tough for me to see a doctor. I also have thought about taking anti-depressents or some kind of medication but didn't want to because I still nurse... but I think Kyla will be better off with an organized, happy mother than more boob milk in the long run.

OK - that's all for now.

D

dreams.

I am SO tired this morning... I have all these really bizarre dreams lately... I wake up in a weird haze and then talk myself out of them...

Last night I had this really weird dream that I was on like a school field trip... but with adults... and we were having lunch in like this huge room... and this really hot dude came up to me and asked me to sit with him LOL.

So then it was as if me and this guy were on a "date" - only everyone else was around us. And then I vividly remember I was having some kind of kahlua ice cream, and he tried some and liked it. Then he got my number - and called me right as I walked away. Wouldn't that be nice LOL.

I also remember in the dream I lost my shoes. I was with 2 other girls and we all had lost our shoes and then found them on the steps.

Next thing I know I'm in a car with a bunch of people and someone is giving me a hard time for talking to a guy on the field trip...

BIZARRE HUH??? No clue what that one is about!!

Breakfast time!

D

my valentine

Here she is! My little Valentine.

Happy Valentine's Day! If you have a Valentine I hope you have a great day... if not, you saved anywhere from $20-$200 today depending on what you'd normally spend on your Valentine - so go buy yourself something sweet!! I would if I had some extra money LOL...



There's your Valentine's Day gift from me.

Enjoy your day - I'm going to do the dirt now while Kyla is sleeping!!

D

the gambler.

Do you ever get RANDOM songs in your head? I don't know where this came from... but this morning I was feeding Kyla her eggs... and all of a sudden "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers came in my head... I just started singing it and couldn't stop LOL!!!

On a warm summer's eve... on a train bound for nowhere... met up with a gambler - we were both too tired to sleep... so we took turns a-starin...

So then I got stuck. I couldn't figure out the words and it started driving me INSANE. I was just waiting for Ky to finish her breakfast so I could get online and check the lyrics!!! I was singing it in my head over and over again and just couldn't figure it out.

So then I was like - no, I KNOW I know the words to this song... so I'm just trying to figure them out... but finally I broke down and looked them up.

It is really one of my favorite songs of all time but you KNOW I'm NOT a country music person... I just really like that song.

Anyway, I think that's a good random thought for the day... oh, and if for some strange reason you have the song in your head now - here are the lyrics so you don't have to look them up!!

On a warm summer’s evenin’ on a train bound for nowhere,
I met up with the gambler; we were both too tired to sleep.
So we took turns a starin’ out the window at the darkness
’til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, son, I’ve made a life out of readin’ people’s faces,
And knowin’ what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
So if you don’t mind my sayin’, I can see you’re out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey I’ll give you some advice.

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, if you’re gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.

Now ev’ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin’
Is knowin’ what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
’cause ev’ry hand’s a winner and ev’ry hand’s a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.

So when he’d finished speakin’, he turned back towards the window,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even.
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep.

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count you r money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.

I put the pic of Kenny up just for sh*ts and giggles - to make you go "what the fluck?"

And you know what, after all this Kenny talk I'm in the mood for some Kenny Rogers Roasters Fried Chicken!!!!

D

decisions, decisions...

I just can't make up my mind.

I have a number of different directions I could go in right now... and I just don't know which path to follow.

It's like a choose your own adventure book... only I can't turn back the pages if I make the wrong choice - and I'm REALLY tired of making bad choices. I've made a few decisions I regret over the last year... so now I want to think about things before I just jump into anything.

I slept a LOT today since I worked all night. Kyla spent a lot of time with her grandparents... I was just in a fog all day. Of course now I can't sleep!!

She was super hungry girl today it was so funny. She LOVES these little chicken sticks things that Gerber makes. They look like little mini hot dogs and I cut them up and she just goes nuts for them!! Now she loves cheese too. And peas.

One thing I am starting to miss... her sleeping with me!! The other night when I was having trouble sleeping and just feeling a little sad, I went and brought her to bed with me and she couldn't fall asleep with me... I think she's used to her own bed now. I have to remember that kids get into a routine and I think these days she likes cuddling with her glow worm better than me LOL.

I'm going to try to go to sleep now.

Check out the dirt page I went NUTS with updates!!

D