It's 3am I must be...

Lonely?

Nah, that's what you thought I was getting at though, right? Thanks to Rob Thomas.

I miss my Mad Season CD. I haven't bought a CD in a LONG time but I really think I need to go pick that up... I listened to Rob's new CD a bunch of times since I just got it from work, and it made me want to hear some of the Mad Season songs... don't really know why.

I just started re-reading this post and I had to come make a little disclaimer so the Rob fan I know and love doesn't remind me that 3am was not on the Mad Season CD... I know it wasn't. I just used that title and then thought of Mad Season bc it's my favorite MB20 CD...

Maybe it's because it's winter and that's my mad season... everything is just really nutty right now.

I have to figure something out real soon and that's probably why I am up at 3am.

I've also made my New Year's Resolutions I swore I wouldn't make... they just kind of came to me over the last few days. Not really as a result of the new year... it wasn't like I sat down and thought "I need to resolve to do something different this year..." I just kind of started making some changes and getting on the ball with some stuff and realized I've made some resolutions without even thinking about it.

The first one seems simple but for me it's a challenge... and that is to keep my frigging apartment clean. I am SO much happier, focused, confident, and on top of things when my place is clean. I wish I had money to get curtains and decorate, but I don't, so instead of just letting the place look like crap all the time I've decided that no matter how tired I am or no matter how much I think "nobody else sees the place but me and Kyla" I'm going to clean up every night before I go to bed. I've done that the last several days and it's working...

I am also in the process of figuring out a budget for myself... I have NO idea how to manage my money... and after talking to a friend about how much I take home and how much my bills are, I realized I should be able to afford more things than I thought...


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So next thing that's on my mind. I've thought about someone a lot recently... and tonight as I was looking at a "fascinating" - well to me anyway - website I haven't seen for a while I saw a picture, several pictures, of this person and I just got this sad feeling.

I won't get into who this person is... it is not anyone I ever had a romantic relationship with by any means... but it is someone who is very special to me who influenced my life a lot, without whom I NEVER would have been in radio, and for reasons that I do not understand this person doesn't talk to me anymore.

The last time we emailed was probably 2 and a half years ago... and he basically just told me in so many words he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I was - and still am - really confused. I kind of get it, but at the same time - I don't. And it hurts me a lot to feel like I can't just call or email once in a while to say whats up... This person always had words of wisdom and made me laugh... so hard I used to seriously pee my pants... and now I look at a picture and wonder if it would be OK if I reached out.

Do I do it - or respect his wishes? Does he just ignore my existance or does he keep tabs on me and check up, ask about me, read my bs websites and stuff, to see how I am doing? I don't know why it is important to me - but it is.

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So another dilemma I have right now is how to determine when it is OK to open up to someone... be it a friend, a family member, whoever... There are a lot of people with whom we maintain "surface" relationships, then there are those few - and actually for me I can happily say I think I have many - people you can really pour your heart out to, show your weakness, tell your secrets to, and have them care and love you and want to help you anyway... I'm kind of stuck with something right now and maybe that's why I'm up at 3am.

Actually, now it's 3:30 and I'm still not tired.

My eyes hurt. Why is it that these days my eyes hurt when I'm NOT wearing my contacts? It's really odd to me.

So the show went really well tonight. I felt a little bit out of my element since I am used to being silly and just blurting out whatever... tonight we had a really interesting talk about sex... but since we were using all the clinical terms and saying dirty words on the radio, I had to keep a straight face and not giggle at anything. Luckily, I didn't have to push that yellow button. My boss was happy with it... It was my first time really handling a "serious" subject matter on the talk show.

Well, I guess "female orgasm" isn't serious, but in order to get away with talking about it the way we did, we had to keep it very technical and "educational" and walk that line... I'll be honest, I was nervous for the first time in a while on the air tonight. Kind of an unsettling feeling but when my boss IM'd me and told me it sounded great, I felt good.

There's more on my mind but I need to clear it instead of continuing to blab... I'm going to play some mindless solitaire and hopefully go to bed by 4. I have a long challenging day ahead of me... and unfortunately the world doesn't stop turning...

Peace.... peace....